omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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