I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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