I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
