It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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