the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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