a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
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