I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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