ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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