I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
