there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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