sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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