i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
