Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just threw up on my dentist
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
