What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
