How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize