when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
