dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
