mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
