i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
