You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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