Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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