At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My vagina is very pro this idea
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
