You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
