pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
