the condom got lost in my hair
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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