I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
