I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
