If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
