when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
