We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
