How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
