Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize