He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
