I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
