My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
there is glitter all over my balls
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
