She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
