This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
