when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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