I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
