I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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