i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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