So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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