Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I look excited, but its just a facade.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
