I hate all girls vehemently.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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