Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
