positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
being pregnant is like rehab
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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