How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
