Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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