Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
