y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize