Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
