it was like eating out sand paper
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
