mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
