connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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