The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
